This
was an okay piece of work. It did not entertain me but did not push me away
either. There were some mistakes which seem to arise frequently in the story.
No plot being set, no emotion, spelling and grammatical issues. But other than
that it seems fine but can just use some work.
You
start off the story with a sentence fragment. This is never a good thing to do
because it will push away many potential readers. The first few paragraphs of
your story are critical because that is what people read to find out if they
want to read it. Along with this fragment you keep repeating your main
character’s name. Once you have introduced the character and it is the only one
in the story at that point, repeating it is just redundant and unnecessary.
Finally, any number less than one-hundred should be spelled out. It is just a
small literature rule which makes your story look more professional.
The
first thing I noticed in this story is that there was no mood or setting ever
conveyed. Mood and setting is like music in movies. A movie is nothing without
good music, and a story is nothing without a good mood and setting. Without
them the story becomes boring and dull. Along with the addition of the setting,
the descriptions already present need a lot of work. They are lacking in many
areas and need to be fixed.
Something
else that needs to be fixed is the fact that you do not have a plot set early
in the story. Without this plot we are
just reading words and not a story. Along with a good plot you want to have a
good hook to grasp the reader’s attention. Then you want to relate everything
in the story back to that hook. This way your readers are still reading what
got them hooked in the first place. It seemed like the crystal you mentioned in
the prologue was your hook, but you quickly abandoned it in the first chapter
with the covenant battle.
My
suggestion to you is to fix the problems present in this story right now. I am
not going to specifically point out each ones because the only way you are
going to learn is to be able to recognize the problems. Something else you may
want to do is try to make it more interesting. Sit down and think about what
the readers want to know about and then build up from there. This can be great,
but you have to want to make it that way.
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